"Explore, Dream, Discover"

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover."– Mark Twain

This quote hangs on my bedroom wall and I look at it pretty much daily, however it would seem that although I feel inspired every time I read it, I don't often put it into practice.  I used to 'throw off the bowlines' all the time.  When I left school I was so full of high hopes and open to any adventure.  I skipped away from my hometown with the biggest grin on my face, ready to conquer the world.

As we grow older though I see everyone's willingness to 'sail away from the safe harbor' start to dwindle.  There are children to look after and adult responsibilities.

A couple of months ago I was asked if I wanted to go away to France this summer and work as an entertainer, a job I did when I was in my early twenties.  I came up with a million excuses as to why I shouldn't go.  "I need to be there for the children I teach."  "They've got their show and I need to prepare them for it."  "I don't want to leave my boyfriend behind."  And worst of all, "I think this job is beneath me now! I want to be a serious actress!"

Looking back at this, a week before I leave for France, I can't believe that I was such a diva! Eventually I locked away the nay sayers in my head and organized what was going to happen to the children I teach, so that I could take the job.  But, I was still down playing it to everyone I told.  "Oh it's just a summer entertainment job."  "I did it before I even went to drama school" (Ugh! That last one kills me!)

Everybody I spoke to though was happy for me and full of optimism.  It was only me that was down playing the whole thing. It seems that I was scared of leaving my 'safe harbor', even though what's the point of being in a harbor if you're not going to get on a boat?  I love teaching, but that's not going to get me a 'serious' acting job. It just pays for my utilities and for me to go to dance class, singing lessons and workshops.  Two months in France singing and entertaining every day means I get to do what I love and be paid for it.  It gives me a chance to put my life in perspective and figure out where I want to go next.  There may not be any casting directors watching (although who knows, Pippa Ailion may holiday in France...), but I'll be working on my craft for when I return to the UK.

[Photo from my 2010 Season at Siblu Les Charmettes]

So, with just a week to go before my departure, I want to thank my good friend Courtney for giving me this job opportunity and let's just say, "Vive la France!" I'm coming for you! Ready to "explore', 'dream' and 'discover'!

The guilty workouts!

Who remembers the outrage of this advert a couple of weeks ago?

Social media was in a frenzy with girls crying out that this advert was 'body shaming' and that surely every body is 'beach body ready'!  I read all these posts and was straight on the band wagon! How dare the advertising bigwigs at Protein World tell me how I should look at the beach?  I will go to the beach looking however I want thank you very much.

But then...

I hit the shops looking for bikinis and shorts ready for my upcoming summer in France.  I felt like every single thing that showed my thighs or lower abs looked hideous and I left the town centre with a mission to get rid of some thigh jiggle.  I read up on clean eating, stocked up my fridge with lean meat and green veg, and resigned myself to the fact that I would probably have to go running if I wanted to make a difference.

It was on my first run that I remembered how outraged I had been at Protein World's advert and how much I had hated them for telling me how to look at the beach.  Surely I was now doing the same thing to myself? I started to feel guilty and thought, "I must be able to wear all those bikinis I was trying on without feeling like my thighs were hideous".  However, I had now started this new regime and decided I might as well stick to it, even if it was just to make me a bit healthier.

Three weeks later and I feel amazing.  I am slowly gaining definition in my thighs as the layer of jiggle is slowly removed to reveal muscles built up from years of dance and yoga. My runs are getting faster, I'm finding it easier to do tough steps in ballet classes and I tried on some shorts the other day and felt confident buying them!

The pang of guilt is still there though. I worry that I'm letting down my fellow ladies by giving into the stereotype of trying to look a certain way. The glossy magazine way. I realise that this is silly and there is nothing wrong with wanting a muscular, healthy body, but I do wish society would just let women be women.  I shouldn't feel guilty for wanting to look muscular in a bikini and nor should anyone else feel shamed for having curves or a fuller figure.  Renee Somerfield looks gorgeous in that advert and I've seen girls of all shapes and sizes rockin' it on the beach.  But hey, if the thought of defined thighs in my shorts over the summer motivates me to go out running when I'd rather stay in bed, then long live vanity!

Remembering the way to fairyland...

Anne of Green Gables was one of my favourite books to read as a child, so I'd like to start my first ever blog post with a quote:

“The world calls them its singers and poets and artists and storytellers; but they are just people who have never forgotten the way to fairyland.” LM Montgomery

I love this quote and despite being someone who describes herself as a singer and an actress I sometimes forget the way to fairyland.  The trials of being a "grown up" and making sure you can pay your rent, keep your taxes up to date and feed yourself start to get in the way.  I don't even realise that they are getting in the way a lot of the time and it's like I'm sleepwalking through life.  

For lots of people a steady routine and a steady income are what they strive for, but I often feel the lure of fairyland nagging at the back of my mind.  Nevertheless it feels like I'm often blocked from traveling along the road to fairyland.  My fairyland is a place where you can sing, dance, play and discover with other fairies all day every day.  There would be no restrictions and nothing to tie you down.  Unfortunately, in this world, as I've already mentioned, there are bills to be paid and the gatekeepers to my fairyland seem fierce and immovable.  I find myself turning down auditions because I am unable to find somebody to cover my teaching work or struggling to find convenient times to collaborate with others because we're all just trying to pay the rent.  But then I think what if I am the only real person or thing who is blocking my road? Maybe I am the person who is putting up these boundaries.  If I was braver would I be able to find my way again? 

A few months ago I performed my own 20 minute cabaret set and it felt wonderful! I loved being creative, doing re-write after re-write, arranging songs and getting that buzz of not knowing how it would read to the audience, but then knowing as I performed that people were on board.  The buzz was soon killed though when I only earnt a pittance and the guy filming didn't have any usable footage for me to even use as promo material.  Fairyland has been hijacked by my capitalist mind and the need to survive financially! Something that I loved so much fell flat because in the end it didn't help me pay my rent! This is the kind of thing that makes me stop believing in finding fairyland and want to give in to the current reality, but every time I wonder whether next time I'll be able to get there...

As a child I knew the way to fairyland and even now I find it again occasionally in those moments when I feel free to discover and play.  I just hope that with a bit of self belief and maybe some pixie dust, to quote another childhood favourite, I can keep on finding it a little bit more often.